"I'm Fine"

I keep replaying it over and over again. I can’t get it out of my head. Seeing my husband leaning over the kitchen corner shaking with mucus and foam coming out of his nose and mouth was a scary sight. As I was trying to assess the situation and figuring out what to do next all he kept repeating to me was “I’m fine.”

That phrase sticks with me still. How many times have I told people “I’m fine” when in reality I was far from it. We are such independent people. We want to do the work on our own. We have become this self sufficient human beings that doesn’t need the rest of the world to help out our situations. Where does it say in all of history that we are suppose to do this life by ourselves. 

Wars are always fought as an army.

Countries are always built as a group of people.

Governments are built with multiple leaders.

Churches are created with the start of 2 or 3 people.

Schools are formed with a teacher and a student.

Nothing can be built to stand the journey of time unless it is done with a team. Especially a team that is honest with each other. 

It didn’t take long after my husband repeated “I’m fine” a few times that I realized this was a way bigger task for me to handle. I knew my husband probably was in a diabetic blood sugar low, but as I had learned in the past some blood sugar lows I cannot fix on my own. As I was seeing him slowly seizure to the ground I knew that I needed to protect him from himself. He had started hitting his head on the cabinet because of his jerky moments. Thankfully I did remember some of my first aid training. I did my best trying to guide him to the floor all while talking to the 911 dispatcher. I ended up cradling him to my chest to help him not hurt himself anymore and wipe away the mucus from his face.

Those were some of the longest minutes of my life until I finally heard the sirens get closer and closer. I have been with my husband with a few blood sugar lows. Only two times have we been to the ER. The other times I usually can help him and he was conscious enough to eat a few sugar tablets. But that day, was bigger than me. I needed help. No matter how many times he said “I’m fine”, I knew that we needed help. 

What happened next was a miracle beyond all explanation. From all that I have researched and heard from others, my husband should have gone into a coma. But as the EMTs were coming into the house my husband came out of the seizure and was alert and talking. He was unsure why he was on the floor and why there were EMTs in our house. They checked his blood sugar and it was 22. Normal for him is between 100-150 since he is type 1 diabetic. The EMT looked at me and said “I have never seen that low of a blood sugar…on an alive person.” 

Even now I thank God for saving my husband from a scary situation. And yes, I am still a little traumatized by the experience, but I do know that a miracle happened that early Wednesday morning. What satan meant for harm, God turned it around for good. All of it for God’s glory. 

Does this mean that life is easier now? Not for my mental state and definitely the emotional state of my 4 year old who witness the whole event. We have a continuous glucose monitor on him now that allows us to easily check him as many times as we like. I can even check him during his sleep with a simple scan of the monitor over the sensor attached to his arm. So easy and future life savior.

Am I still struggling letting him be alone with my daughter? go to work? go to sleep?

Yes!!

But that is my hourly journey in letting go. I have to mentally and emotionally let go of him. Give him back to God. Because the good news is we aren’t alone. We have an army of angels with us that we can’t see, but are there. 

We are meant to do life together.

We are meant to cry together, laugh together, be silent together.

We are fine when we are not alone. 

We are fine when we team up. 

We are the Church! The Body of Christ working together, praying together, sharing life together. 

It is easy to tell others that we are just “fine” when in reality we are not. If you are someone that struggles opening up to others I will be praying for you. Don’t be a lone wolf. There are people out there that want to partner with you in prayer and discipleship. Remember we need each other. Like I needed the EMTs and doctors to help my husband’s diabetes. And even more my husband needed me to call 911. And now I need others who understand what I experienced that can comfort me through my tears. 

Remember we need God and we need each other!

Are we looking for Jesus?

In Matthew 2:1-6 the Magi from the far east were looking for the King of the Jews. They had seen a star and had been watching, studying, and paying attention to the signs the world was saying about the coming of Jesus.  But what intrigues me isn’t their pursuit of the King of the Jews it was the chief priests and teachers of the Law. When the Magi asked for directions King Herod brought them out to confirm what the Magi were looking for. They knew the scripture. They had been memorizing it since childhood. They knew the signs too, but they choose not to pursue the Messiah. The signs of their Savior were right in front of them, but they missed them all because they weren’t looking. Even with helping the Magi they still didn’t seem interested in visiting the King of the Jews.

They weren’t even curious.

Why is that?

What made these men stop looking for their Messiah?

I will give them some benefit of the doubt. They were in the middle of Roman rule. They probably knew that King Herod wouldn’t approve another king. It must of not been easy, but even when they knew the answer to King Herod it didn’t change any of their hearts. We know that because only the Magi showed up at Joseph, Mary and Jesus’ place. There is no record of any of the teachers of the law being remotely interested in finding their King and Messiah.  

I believe the reason is they just weren’t looking for him. 

They were probably more focused on pleasing the King that they already had in front of them then finding out the truth behind the scripture they had memorized and studied for so many years.

When we stop looking for Jesus in our daily lives we miss him. We miss opportunities. I personally don’t want to be like the Chief of Priests and ignore all the signs pointing to a Messiah because I am too focused on pleasing my desires, my friends, my career, or anything else I put before Jesus. 

I need to keep seeing Jesus in all that I do. He is the center of what I am and what I do and when I focus on Him, He can bring back my hearts desires and dreams into alignment with Him. I’m not saying that every move we make we need to analyze and second guess ourselves whether it is God’s will or not. He gives us choices in life, but in the midst of daily routine we need to pay attention for signs of Jesus guiding us. Maybe it is someone on the street that needs help or a ride, Maybe it is a parent that you don’t get alone with that just needs friendship and compassion. Maybe it is praying with someone in line at the grocery store. Maybe it is inviting your neighbor to a church activity or into your home for a meal. 

My prayer today and for each day is that I keep my eyes on Jesus. That He can gently guide me to new ways and opportunities of being Jesus to others. I don’t want to be like the Chief of Priest and teachers of the Law that only knew the knowledge of scripture. I want the knowledge of scripture to go from my head to my heart in everyday life. Hebrews 12:2 says, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

So much Freedom!

When I was diagnosed with Alpha Gal syndrome I had no idea what the would mean for the next 3 years. At first it seemed easy to think stay away from beef and pork, but when I started having reactions because of medicine and supplements the allergy got more complicated. Each new allergic reaction or new allergy I got because of my Lyme disease I would at first be overwhelmed.  Many times I would stand in the middle of a grocery store aisle reading ingredients of a package in tears. Food and cooking turned from being a joy to do to being a chore. Each meal I prepared for myself took longer than most and any fast convenient food was very limited. When I did found something quick and convenient to make or eat it usually was expensive. Soon this new life was my normal. Even my daughter learned the art of checking ingredients when she picks up a box or jar at the store. When friends and family asked how did we do it. I honestly didn't know how to answer. 

It was my life. 

It was frustrating. 

It was exhausting. 

When I wanted to go out to eat with friends or family they would always have to look to me and say "Where can you eat?" I don't hate making decisions, but when I am the only one always making decisions it exhausted on me. Not all of my choices of restaurants pleased my friends or family. I carried that disappointment with me sometimes only because I am a people pleaser. I even started dreading food events with my church or friends. I would make sure I ate ahead of time or just quietly say no many times over. Sometimes I could handle it, but there were always days that battle was too much. 

My life revolved around food.

My life still was joyful and fulfilled.

Even so I made decisions only through the eyes of food.

BUT…on May 8th I got my allergy blood results back with some of the most glorious news. They were all negative. I could now have all mammal meat, almond, corn, oats, wheat, barley, whey, tomato, egg, and much more. The most important to me was the meat. I have been eating chicken, turkey and seafood for almost three years. Not that they are bad to eat, but after three years it gets pretty old quickly. 

The first thing I went to eat was a burger with bacon. OHH, how real beef tastes so much better than a turkey burger. The reality check was waking up the next morning realizing I didn't have a bad night of tightness in my chest because I ate beef. That last time I had some cross contamination with pork in a few hours I couldn't breathe. I had to take the only meds that I am not allergic to and pray it would go away by morning.  

What has taken me off guard since I found out this news was the freedom I feel. The next day, my daughter and I were heading downtown to a festival and I started to think what should I bring to eat. Then it dawned on me I don't need to think about that. I can eat the samples they offer. I can eat mostly anything because I don't need to worry about possible contamination with mammal products. And if you, the reader, are new to alpha gal you would be surprised how much mammal creeps into food without us knowing it, but that is another story for another day.

Freedom is all I feel now. I was so trapped by my food choices that everywhere I went involved me preparing and thinking of hours ahead of me. 

What if I get hungry?

Where can I grab something to eat?

What can I bring with me?

Do I have time to eat at home before we go?

All these questions filled every day of my life. It was my normal, but now that old normal is gone I realize that I feel so free. I feel like chains of food have fallen off and the stresses of making decisions have been lifted. I truly am a kid in a candy store standing in front of all the meat with my eyes wide and mouth watering.

So many options.

So many decisions.

So much food I have missed.

So much freedom.

Bacon, pork, salami, goat cheese, marshmallows, chocolate, gummy bears, steak, and much more! Even though I said I was tired of making decisions these new decisions are a pure joy for me. I finally get to shop in all the aisles of the grocery store. So much freedom. I honestly never knew if this day would come. I just assumed I would have this forever, but now that it is here I am so deeply grateful. 

I can finally make a meal for the whole family to eat together.

I can finally enjoy a vacation without bringing my own food.

I can finally join in on dinner parties and social events.

I can finally have freedom from food!

Olive Harvesting

Recently, I was watching a show where a British family had moved to a Greek island. The transition for this widow and her kids wasn’t going well. One thing in particular was the mother was having a hard time harvesting the olives from the trees. She finally asked for help from a neighboring farmer. When he came to help her, he brought nets to wrap around each tree. He told her to wait for them to drop then collect some, wait again for some more to drop, and then collect again.

Beforehand she had kept trying to climb the tree or a small ladder barely reaching a bunch of olives. She was always exhausting herself by trying to pull them off and if she could of reached all of them it would of taken her ages to get them down.

This is so similar in my life today. How many times do I try to make my own miracle? I see that the miracle could be possible. I do all that I should do to get that miracle only to grasp at the few aspects of it. When I should just lay a net down and wait for the miracle to ripen and drop at the right time.

In my personal life, I want healing. My body rebels against me with food and doing normal activities. I tried to help my healing along by doing a new treatment. It seemed okay and didn’t feel like God was saying no, but I wanted healing of any kind so badly I probably rushed a bit into it. I pushed myself to do something quickly and ended up hurting myself more. When all along God did want me to do the new treatment, but a different way. I believe it will help, but I do know in my life healing takes time and just like olive harvesting a lot of waiting, collecting and waiting again!

How many of us are trying to harvest our own miracle?

Are we trying to climb against God’s timing?

Are we rushing the harvest?

The more research I did on olive harvesting I learned; that if you harvest unripen green olives they are very sour. The longer that the olive stays on the tree it ripens to a rich black tasty olive. Picking an olive too early will give you a sour olive. Harvesting a miracle too early will give us a sour miracle. How many of us want a sour miracle?

Look at Abram in Genesis 16, he knew God made a covenant with him about creating a huge nation from him, but his wife, Sarai, was barren. She didn’t like the stigma of being barren so she pushed her maidservant on her husband and he didn’t say no. Hagar did have a child and Sarah held a grudge against her because of it. She tried to grasp at making her own miracle instead of waiting for a God given one. This doesn’t mean that God will punish us and not give us our miracle because God still brought Sarai a son. She just had to keep waiting. When she did finally had a son, through God’s hand, there still was a lot of strife between the two boys and their future descendants sadly. I hope I can keep reminding myself that even though we don’t understand God’s timing, it is always best to wait on His timing instead of our own.

Next time we want that promotion…pray, listen and wait!

Next time we want children…pray, listen and wait!

Next time we want that dream to come true…pray, listen and wait!

Next time we want your ministry to grow…pray, listen and wait!

Next time we want healing…pray, listen and wait!

For you - A poem

My Heart aches for you

My Spirit yearns for you

My Soul thirsts for you….for you, for you and only for You!

For you comfort me

For you love me

For you made me….for you, for you and only for You!

I will walk for you

I will talk for you

I will love for you….for you, for you and only for You!

I wrote this poem during my time in as a nanny for 8 kids. I was in a time of transition in my life and always praying and searching for direction in my life. I found a bunch of these poems recently and see how much God was writing them for me. He was the hand and I was pencil. 

When our children speak!

When God speaks through our children, we need to stop and listen. 

Last week I encounter a lot of new and unknown pain with this new treatment I started to try to help with my chronic pain and diseases. 

Lying on the couch seemed to be my spot all week long. Any time I had an activity I would do my best to accomplish it slowly, but as soon as I got home I would crash.  I had forgotten I had to go to the dentist for a regular cleaning so my 4 year old had to come with me. She asked me earlier that morning, “Does mommy not feel well.” I would respond, “Yes, sweetie.”

During the dentist appointment she was playing with my phone and I thought she was doing her normal games that she does, but soon she got out of the chair and brought my phone over playing a song. It was one of my favorite songs and singer. She put it up to my ear. She wanted to make sure I was comforted by the music. Then she would crawl up on top of my legs in the dental chair that is when she started to pray over me out loud. The dental hygienist was so touched by her gesture of love for her mother. It then started up great spiritual conversation with the lady. My daughter was truly worried about her mommy and she knew who to go to ask for help, God!

Then the next day, at one point I was praying out loud. I didn’t even realize I was. Next thing I knew was my 4-year-old daughter turned to me and said so clearly “Jesus is sending you an angel mommy.” I stood their shocked and overwhelmed by God’s goodness. He truly cared about my pain. God was reminding me that He was with me even through the new and scary pain. I can’t say that all the pain has gone away, but I felt the comfort of His presence so strong that the thoughts of worry and anxious spirit disappeared.

If you are in the moment of emotional or physical pain, remember God is there to comfort you. It might seem like He has abandon you, but He is quietly waiting for you to acknowledge His presence in your life. My daughter was definitely more in tuned with God’s presence than I was last week. She was listening to God and didn’t hesitate to share the good news that He told her.

I pray that I have the same spirit.  

I pray that I am listening too!

I pray that I keep my ear close to God’s whisper!

I pray that I can share the good news to others without hesitation.

To Change or Not to Change

As the days get shorter and nights get longer, as the temperature gets colder and the wind gets chiller, there is much that is changing when I glance over the beautiful foliage of trees that transcend the landscape. I see reds, oranges, yellows and mixtures of both. I love the color change.

What is actually happening in the leaves is that the plant needs to save energy and supplies to survive winter. The color change isn’t because a new color is appearing, it actually is that the colors/pigments which already exist in the leaves get to come out. They were just are over shadowed by chlorophyll which is what makes leaves green. When the plant needs to save the chlorophyll for the next season of growth it shuts it down. While doing that the other pigments living in the leaves come forth. Changing the existence of chlorophyll helps us see the other colors hiding behind.

The change is inevitable to save the plant for the winter so it can bloom in the spring.

When we have changes in our own lives we most likely don’t like them. They make us different and expose different colors inside of us that we didn’t know existed. So why do we look at these changes as bad. Do we look at the fall leaves and say, 

“How ugly the change is” or “I wish it would just stay green.” 

I highly doubt it!

Most of us would agree that having change in the seasons helps us recognize where we have come from and focus on where we are heading too. No one would have ever seen the brilliant reds, oranges, yellow, and even purples on the trees if the tree didn’t decide to shut down the chlorophyll and storing it away. 

If something has been taken away from you in your life that has led to an unexpected change, maybe it is one you gladly welcome, but more than likely it is one that you absolutely did not want to happen. Remember from what has been taken away beautiful colors that you didn’t know existed will shine through. 

Change is inevitable!

Change is ironically constant. 

Don’t be afraid of change because it truly can show the world how beautiful you are from the inside.