What is my "Normal"

The phrase “I don’t want my normal to be snatched away” hit me straight to the heart while I was reading this book “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst. Although she was talking about relationships, I felt like it was speaking to me. This journey of chronic Lyme’s disease and other co-infections has definitely changed “normal” for me and in many ways.  This disease has robbed me of a lot, especially my normal.

Last two weeks have not been the best weeks. In many cases I have faked it till I could go home and rest. I had no idea why I was feeling so bad, but found out that I am allergic to two more medicines. Seriously! My body just doesn’t seem to like me. I keep gaining weight not matter what I eat; most of it is water weight. I have to go to the bathroom almost every hour. I can’t fully exercise partly because of my fatigue and mainly because of a previous hip injury that has been exasperated because of this illness. The list could go on!

I think the thing I feel more self conscious about is what others think. I truly want to not care what they think, but I can only imagine how tired they are of hearing about why I can’t join them, why I can’t eat this or another excuse. Recently another family got together with our family. The mom mentioned that they had almost made other plans because they weren’t sure if we would make it. Honestly I don’t know how often I have canceled on them, but the comment hurt deep even though it was truth. There is part of me that just doesn’t want to explain anymore and then there is another part of me that wants to scream “PLEASE DON’T FORGET ME.” Just because I can’t do it today doesn’t mean I don’t want to be invited the next time.

It is such an inward battle. I am sick of my excuses. Some days it sounds like all these little excuses that to a healthy person would just blow off and think they are making this all up. This is all in their head. I agree! I wake up and think this is in my head. I will push myself together and think positive. Then I collapse later that day without any energy to give to my family. Before I got sick I would of probably told myself the same thing. You are making up this pain. Deep down that insecurity of no one believing me rises up each doctor appointment and each conversation with a friend. If I were them I would be sick of me. So I try so hard not to bring it into the conversation, but it never fails I still do. Last week I want to scream to the world I hate that I have more allergies to medicine and food. I wanted to scream “I can’t even breath correctly.” I wanted someone to feel my pain. I feel so alone some days. My friends going along with their lives not realizing I want someone to just text me and say “how are you feeling.” They are probably afraid that if they do ask that they will get a long drawn out whiny story. Who wants a complainer in their lives. I wouldn’t want it. So how do I change that. When is complaining about something new that is going on important to be aware of or something that is just a side effect to this disease. It took me 10 days to realize one of the medicines I was allergic to. It crept up on me slowly, then when I added a new medicine one to the mix everything got way worse quickly. Why didn’t I believe myself that something was off. Mainly because I do not know what is normal for me anymore.

Thankfully I do have friends that ask about me and also I have ones that are going through some of the same things I am. I know that I am not alone. I just feel misunderstood.

My normal was taken away from me and I probably need to grieve for it. I do not know if normal will come back but there have been some good days in between the bad and I treasure those like they are gold! Trying to hold the good memories so tight these days. All that I need to focus on is baby steps in this long journey of recovery.

Devotional 16 - Thankfulness

            This week starts the Lenten season. During the Lent service this week, I felt the Lord tell me to be thankful when I am in pain. Who would of guess since then my pain has increase doubly? I guess God knew. Sometimes I still can’t accept my chronic lyme’s disease or that it is a slow healing process. But these next 40 days I want to thank God for every moment I feel the struggle coming on, every time I am frustrated that I cannot play with my 2 year old. I also need to thank Him even though my daughter still hasn’t been gaining weight like the doctors want. I need to thank Him for the unanswered prayers. I need to thank him for the prayers he has answers, but sometimes forget to see because of our current struggle. Thanking God is a choice! It is super easy to thank him when we see the answer or feel the healing. But when we don’t see it or feel it, we are not quick to thank Him for what He has already done in our lives.

            I challenge you today. Thank God no matter what happens. I am sure Paul and many disciples did not want to thank God when they were being beaten or in jail, but they did keep sing His praises. Take a moment today and memorize these verses 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

            Remember thanking God will not get the immediate healing or answered prayer. Thanking God is about getting closer to God through these rough circumstances.  Today I choose to be thankful! Thankful for my pain. Thankful for unanswered prayers. Thankful for daily struggles. I choose to be thankful because through the pain it is all for God’s glory.

Devotional 15 - Treasure

            One year while in Colombia, a supporting church from Ocracoke, North Carolina wanted to send us a care package. They sent it in November intending it to arrive by Christmas, but it arrived in February. No matter what, we were still very excited. The buckeyes (homemade chocolate covered peanut butter) were all melted together in a huge ball. We sat it on a plate in the teacher’s lounge at school that day. It wasn’t long before the chocolate/peanut butterball was gone. What a delicious memory.

            While living overseas I always enjoyed packages in the mail and letters. I still have letters from my pen pals and closest friends. I remember always checking my dad’s mailbox at school hoping for something that was for me. Mail was so important to us. It reminded us that someone hadn’t forgotten us. Still today, I love getting cards. I have a little tradition with some of my friends I have made over the years of sending postcards from the places we travel to. This past year when we were packing up for our move, there was almost a whole file box of cards I couldn’t get myself to throw away.

            As a kid we moved so often it was hard to keep things. We always had to downsize each time we moved. There was no storage unit in the country at that time. If we stored anything it most likely was in someone else house. So each summer that we were able to go back to the states to raise support we had to get rid of most of our things. The only thing my mother allowed me to keep was my stuff animals and letters I had from my friends back home.

            Today the Pastor talked about where we store our treasures. Matthew 6:19-21 NIV “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” In church we were asked to think about what our treasure is in. I realize now hours later that relationships are my treasure. All those care packages and letters sent were reminders that someone still cared about me even if they didn’t see me every day. All the stuff animals I had were usually gifts from friends and family. They all had stories that were connected to a memory of the person who gave it to me. Building relationships are what I thrive on.

            What is your treasure? When you wake up in the morning, what makes you excited to start the day? We all have different gifting’s and skill sets. Are we using them for Christ? Are we afraid to step out and used them because someone might laugh at us? Please don’t! If you have a passion and calling…run to it! God is the only one that can say wait. Pray about what your treasure is and how God can use it today!

Devotional 14 - The art of saying goodbye

            I hate saying goodbye. I used to avoid it each summer I came back to the States to visit. I even intentionally would make my friends into enemies so I didn’t have to say goodbye. I always thought it would be better if they were mad at me when I left. Friendships were hard to keep up with back when I was younger, but even now with all the technology speaking and hanging out with a friend in person means so much more. Sadly we move away and no matter what we change a little each time. We make new friends and still try to keep up with our old ones. In the long run it is hard to be friends with everyone all the time. Some friendships are for a season and some are for a lifetime, knowing the difference is most difficult.

            I have been very blessed with many great friendships. I have been able to keep up with many of them, but sometimes phone calls and emails aren’t enough. Being together in person is so much better. I pray for the days that can happen more often, but usually I have to be okay with long distance friendships. Even now since we have moved I very much miss the friends I have left. They were with me during some very difficult times these pasts few years and I so deeply appreciate them.

            I do look forward to the new friendships that I am building here in the new city. I know that saying goodbye is part of life and I have learned over the years that it isn’t forever. Over these many years of goodbyes, I thankfully have learned how to do it better than I once did as a kid. I hope that I keep learning the art of saying goodbye and teach it to my daughter too. Instead of looking sadly at the past, I pray that I can move forward with excitement and appreciate all the friendships God has blessed me with.

Devotional 13 - The Sabbath year

            Normally when we talk about the Sabbath we think of Sunday or the one day a week we take off to rest from our normal work activities. Recently a Pastor reminded me that the Israelites took a Sabbath year with their crops. Leviticus 25: 3-4 NIV says, “For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. But in the seventh year the land is to have a year of Sabbath rest, a Sabbath to the Lord.”

            Lately, when I have good days of health I long to do something more than rest. Then as soon as I do a little too much for my body I am clearly reminded that I am not even close to 100% ready. I told others and myself I would take time off and rest, but it hasn’t been easy to actually do. During this conversation with this pastor, I was reminded how much I miss serving others and the church. My passion for helping and building relationships burns so deep it hurts. Still this recent conversation was a reminder that taking a break from “sowing, pruning and reaping” will bring about new and fresh opportunities in the next season of my life.

            As for right now, my goal is find a balance with it all. My passion will never go away if it is from God. Right now I need to pick my battles and figure out how use my energy wisely. One day I will look back and appreciate this slow season even though it is extremely tough.

            What kind of season are you in right now? Do you need to slow down and take a Sabbath year or are you just coming out of Sabbath year? Which ever you are in today, remember that there is always growth in both seasons. Sometimes the growth is outward, but it can also be inward too. Let us treasure the season that God has placed us in right now even when it doesn’t always make sense.

            

Devotional 12 - "Wait just a minute"

            My mother used to tell a story during many of our kids crusades that we did each summer we came back to the States from the mission field. The words I can never forget are “wait just a minute.” It is a story about three trees. The first tree wanted to be the most beautiful treasure chest. The second tree wanted to be the biggest ship that carries the most powerful kings and the third tree wanted to stand tallest tree to help point men to God. A few years past and the first tree was chopped down and made into a manager where farm animals ate. The first tree complained that he wasn’t the precious treasure box, but God said, “wait just a minute little tree you will soon be holding the greatest treasure of all.” Then a young couple had a delivered a baby boy and used the manager as his crib, he was holding baby Jesus, definitely the greatest treasure of all!

            The second tree got cut down and made into a small fishing boat. The tree thought this wasn’t what I had planned. He wanted to carry a powerful king, but God said, “wait just a minute little tree, soon you will be carrying the King of Kings.” Then one afternoon there was a large crowd following a man who was preaching. The man ended up needing to stand in the boat so he could preach to the large crowd. He finally did hold the King of Kings whose named Jesus.

            The last tree soon noticed that he was going to be cut down. He didn’t want to be cut down. All he wanted to do was point men to God by standing tall, but God said, “wait just a minute little tree, soon you will be hold the man that will point all men to me.” Next he was made into a cross on top of a hill where they hung Jesus Christ on him. He truly did point men to God.

            I share this story to remind us that we all have plans and dreams, but sometimes they don’t go exactly as plan. God has a greater purpose that we may not see clearly now. I am still trying to figure out what is the next step in my calling. I do know what my passion is, which is building relationships with others and helping them build a relationship with Jesus. Sometimes we need to hear “wait just a minute” before we rush into a decision or commitment that we think is perfect for us. Maybe you are encountering a few bumps or detours in your path today. One day they will make sense. Remember disappointments are only temporary hurdles that will help you jump higher and stronger on the next lap!

Devotional 11 - Pain

            Today I write this devotional on a rough day physically for me. I always have some chronic pain, usually a headache I have had for over a year, but today it is my whole body. Sometimes I can connect the pain to eating something wrong or over doing it, but not today. I am grateful that I have had less and less bad days like this since I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme’s disease in September 2016. Thankfully God opened a door for me with a good doctor back in August. He understood my journey and has been helping me with medicine and supplements to get better. Even still you cannot predict when the bad days come.

            All of us suffer some kind of pain in our lives, whether physical or emotional. None of that is easy to handle. Some of us are suffering from heartbreak, while others are suffering from physical pain, but we have hope. Romans 8:17-18 NIV says “Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Jesus suffered a lot on the cross. I know that my suffering doesn’t compare to any of what he went through, but it is comforting to know that Jesus understands our pain.

            Right now my husband’s friend from college just passed away from cancer. That family is indeed suffering deeply. Also these past months they have seen him suffer so much physically. It all seems so unfair, but we know that he is not suffering anymore in heaven. Also my uncle is suffering from a close to death experience after a surgery to remove his lung cancer. I could keep going on with many others that are struggling with some sort of pain today, but we cannot lose hope. Even when it feels the worse pain ever, never give up! Today sing a song of praise through the pain from Isaiah 61:1-3

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.