Tuesday started out a productive day. Thankfully our little marshmallow was in preschool (thanks for family helping us out till we get back on our feet and health). I got some bookkeeping done, apartment stuff and some well needed writing. I actually felt really good. But one of the lagging to do list things that I didn't accomplish Monday was going to the pharmacy transferring our medicine and putting in new meds for myself. As I was heading to Walmart my chronic headache got extremely worse and my eyes started to not focus. I thought it was just the wind that made me feel off balance again. After a little bit of time in the store it "seemed" that things calmed down. I also thought since I was there without a two year old I can pick up some gifts for an upcoming baby shower. At this point I didn't realize I was getting worse and wasn't communicating well. I was getting hungry (and the one time I forgot my protein bar in my purse). And yes...I could of gotten something in Walmart, but typically quick food items at walmart are off my eating list, plus I get so focused on the task at hand I ignore what my body needs.
Now looking back this is all to familiar...when my hubby has a low blood sugar he gets stuck in a repeat cycle and can ONLY do what was last on his mind. I have learned arguing with him is pointless after 5 years. I just put sugar in his mouth and wait 30 mins till he comes back around.
Same thing is happening to me, but I didn't have anyone to bail me out. My stubbornness is hurting me in recovery period. If I had just chosen to go home as soon as my head started hurting worse then I might of been able to of gone back out and finish my to do list. Of course this all makes sense in my head right now, but when it comes on so quickly I don't always have a clear plan to help me get out.
To many of us stubbornness can be so helpful and make us work harder and do better at jobs. But for me with chronic lyme's disease it is hurting my recovery. In my mind I am frustrated because this was not how I imagine motherhood or marriage with my husband. Yes once again...I had set myself for expectations that I didn't even know I did. As a dear friend advised me yesterday...all of us are given a certain of number of spoons a day to work with. For me it might take me more spoons for me to help get my family ready than someone else. Then driving the most multi-tasking job for me takes more spoons than others. I am learning that even if I have two or three things on my to do list, when my body starts warning me I need to stop and save my spoons for later. I say all this in theory...now practicing it is my prayer that I can do!
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Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow chronic lymie---you're going to get better! This sounds sooooo familiar. I went to town last year, kidless no less, just to grab diapers and two things from big lots, and one med from the drugstore. Obviously I wouldn't have gone if I knew I was going to feel so terrible "out". After spending just a few minutes in Big Lots, I came back out, sat in my car and just called my mom crying. I was so disoriented, overwhelmed, dizzy, emotional, the list goes on. As always she came to my rescue but I guess I'm just saying this to say, you are not alone. I felt so insane that day...and many other days. It's hard to realize when you're in the midst of things just how much all the little things play together with this infection. It stinks right now. But you "we" are learning so much and it is definitely strengthening us in many ways. Be patient with yourself (obviously easier said than done). You've got this!! xoxoxoxo-Martina